Click the picture to hear Lebron James' thoughts on the power of mindfulness.
Random Acts of Vulnerability Blog: Volume 1, March 2020
By: Dr. Michael Allen
“If trauma can be passed down through generations then so can healing.” -Unknown
Like some many others around the country and world, I have been struggling with exactly how to get my mind around the uncertainties connected to the infamous Novel Coronavirus also known as COVID-19. Somehow I have found myself reading a bit more, trying new things like yoga and of course, binge-watching TV shows. Recently I have become hooked on the new CW series All-American. I must admit my borderline obsession with the show is in part that I am a major sports fanatic and the other is that I love how the writers have successfully created a near flawless depiction of modern day vulnerability, as nearly all of the main characters in the show have mastered aspects of this skill.
All throughout season one, there are countless scenes of Spencer (the superstar football player) training by sprinting on the streets of South Crenshaw in an effort to clear his mind and relieve the stress that he is experiencing each day as the only teenager from his neighborhood who was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to attend and play football at Beverly High School (one of the richest schools in the country).
One of the most powerful scenes is near the end of the season one finale titled Championships. Spencer is clearly dealing with aspects of survivor’s remorse as he embraces the seemingly debilitating stress and extreme emotional discomfort that comes with competing against South Crenshaw High School (his former school located in his family’s neighborhood) as a member of the Beverly Eagles team. He conveys his raw emotions as he says, “State championship is the biggest thing to happen to Crenshaw. When I win, which is exactly what I am going to do…I take all of that away from my people.”
(Click here to view the brief trailer from the hit show All-American).
Survivor’s remorse, also referred to as guilt, can often be described as the feelings of extreme guilt and isolation during success or after living through a traumatic event when someone else does not.
I can recall the first time I felt survivor's remorse. My oldest brother Gill was intensely playing Super Mario Brothers on our Nintendo and was just about to beat one of the highest levels on the game when all of a sudden, my mother stormed in furious from a long day’s work. She yelled his first, middle and last name from the kitchen, which meant that he was in “big” trouble. Our mother was struggling with her own issues from her childhood and was doing her best to cope with extreme depression. While she was happy to be a mom, she never thought that she would have to raise five children on her own. When he arrived to the kitchen she calmly expressed her frustration with him forgetting to take the trash out for the third time that week. Gill responded by mumbling “I’m tired of having to do everything around here...it’s not my fault that my dad is not here” followed by him stomping his feet on the floor as he carried the trash across the kitchen.
My mom’s response permanently etched itself in my mind that day as she uttered in a distant but serious demeanor, “You are hard-headed...when you grow up you’re going to be just like your daddy…”
Gill became little Gill in that moment as time stood still, he walked back to the room like a robot in slow motion and his eyes grew low and glossed over with heavy, helpless tears. He was clearly hurt and confused, as he hadn’t exactly done anything more wrong than the average nine year old.
Little Gill, who has been in and out of jail since middle school, had a path already set for his future that represented something distinctly different than pride, hope and positivity.
Later that week, my mom received a phone call from my teacher who passionately pleaded with her to consider allowing me to skip a grade as she referred to me as “gifted.” My mom respectfully declined the offer from the teacher on the other end of the phone. As she hung up the phone, she called me to the living room that day and explained to me, for the first time, that there was something special and great in me that she had known since my birth. In fact, that was the very reason why she decided to name me Michael (which was the same name as my dad’s most successful brother).
Though I didn’t know it at the time, I walked back to the room drenched in the raw emotions connected to survivor’s remorse.
I was bewildered, as while I was excited that my mom was proud of me and saw something unique in me, I simply didn’t see a difference between me and my brother. In fact, I looked up to him more than anyone else on the planet. At the time, he was my super hero.
The downside of survivor’s remorse is that while it can often motivate one to achieve great things it deprives that person of fully appreciating the natural euphoria attached to ceremonious events, reaching noteworthy milestones and hard-earned accomplishments.
Let me be clear, there is nothing functional about feeling guilty about your success, especially when you have done things the right way.
Yet, like so many others, over the course of my life I have felt that ambivalent emotion far too many times at graduations, after winning the championship in college and even after earning prestigious awards as an adult.
While it has not been easy, I have ventured onto a journey grounded in wholeness and healing and would like to share the 5 tips to thriving on the road less traveled through survivor’s remorse.
1. Lean on your person or people
In many cases, it is imperative that people who battle survivor's remorse have an opportunity to ask questions and share their unfiltered feelings with others who they naturally connect with. I typically encourage people to communicate face to face. However, when considering the current social distancing restrictions platforms like Facetime, Google Hangouts, Zoom and others are effective alternatives.
2. Process and embrace the feelings that come
It is important to accept and allow the feelings that your body experiences. One popular and effective strategy is to spend some time journaling in an effort to process the source of the guilt, loss or fear that you feel. You are not alone. In many cases, the feelings themselves, not the frequency, are relatively common after a person experiences a traumatic event or a loss.
3. Practice mindfulness breathing exercises
One of my favorite wholistic practices is mindfulness mediation. These breathing exercises are quick and therapeutic ways to relieve yourself of toxic stress and pressure. For survivor's remorse, I suggest the Grounding in 5 Senses technique.
(Click here to explore the Grounding in 5 Senses Mindfulness breathing exercise).
4. Practice self-care
People who are in the process of overcoming survivor's remorse can benefit from doing activities that are known to rejuvenate the body like: sleeping, reading, listening to soothing music, getting a massage or taking a bath (with eucalyptus, lavender or spearmint).
5. Do something good or advocate for others
Consider making a commitment to mentoring a new person at your job (place of business) or in your local community. Additionally, consider volunteering at a local charity or community center. Last but not least, consider advocating for the "underdogs" that are often neglected because they require a bit more understanding and patience than those that don't challenge the status quo.
With the number of COVID-19 cases reaching over 90,000 in the United States, I think it is imperative that we hold space for the people who have or will lose loved ones. While there are tips provided in this blog, I want to be clear that if you are dealing with emotions or thoughts that are too big to handle on your own, that is completely fine. However, I lovingly urge you to seek support from a mental health professional. There are countless virtual options that are effective. You surviving is key but you thriving is also an integral part of your wholistic journey.
In the web of survivor’s remorse, there are no winners only losers.
It’s like you are running a race in the midst of a never-ending thunderstorm against you. Each step is an attempt at freedom that is caged by fears wrapped up in each raindrop that comes in contact with your face. You must remember what Emily King meant when she said “I can stop running from all the things that I have done and I can stop running from whatever I have become.” As you take your journey down the road less traveled it is essential that you utilize the 5 tips to thriving through survivor’s remorse. Never forget that everyone should be celebrated sometimes and you too, deserve to live out your wildest dreams. Each day you get to take freedom with each valiant act of courage that you display through how you care for yourself recognizing that it trickles down to others. No more running or struggling in silence. Boldly walk into vulnerability.
Until next time Vulnerability Village...
(Click here to hear Emily King's hit song Running).
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