Random Acts of Vulnerability Blog: Volume 1, February 2020
By: Dr. Michael Allen
“We must learn to live from who we are instead of what we do.” – Jason Wilson
As we approach the long overdue NBA all-star weekend with women and men alike traveling to Chicago in the frigid weather conditions, it is important to take some time to highlight a new movement rooted in the connection between strength and vulnerability.
The tragic death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi forced people, particularly the men who were connected to him, his gift and legacy in the sport of basketball to confront the unavoidable humanity related to pain. As strange as it may sound extreme pain (often felt after the death of a loved one) has a way of stirring one’s soul causing the body to experience a rather foreign feeling that is naturally conveyed through tears.
These tears and other inconvenient physiological responses of the human body are one of the few times in our lives where we can truly relate (mind, body and soul) to others.
I say this because in American society we often think that graduations, promotions, marriage, homeownership, child birth, retirement and so forth are the things that bring happiness, and the “pursuit of happiness” is what binds us all to the “American Dream.” Over the course of my life, I have come to believe that we are mistaken.
I am a black, cisgender, male, heterosexual, millennial and I grew up playing basketball on virtually any playground that had a functional rim, so Kobe had a profound impact on how I started to see myself in relation to the world. His fearless “mamba mentality” gave me permission to listen to my inner voice that is unconditionally connected to my purpose of advocating for marginalized people. So it is not surprising to me that his tragic passing has brought me back to a new and seemingly unfamiliar space of vulnerability that I felt for the first time when my grandmother passed away abruptly in 1995.
Unlike before, this time I have faith, security and humility to lead the way. There is something very powerful about submitting to the will of the emotions in one’s body. I believe that allowing the body to express tears is revolutionary and rooted in strength, as it is one of the few emotions that can naturally enable a person to authentically connect with the purest humanity of others.
For several decades researchers have studied the stages of grief in order to understand how people respond to loss recognizing not everyone has the same path. Simply put, over the last two weeks more men than I can recall in my lifetime have been comfortable publicly embracing their unfiltered expressions of pain related to Kobe’s passing.
I know that there have been a number of discussions around terms like “toxic masculinity” but I am advocating for a new movement and focus on “wholistic masculinity.” This is the acceptance that men like women are complicated beings full of all types of emotions that deserve to be expressed as they come and go in entirety, and when we do we are giving ourselves permission to experience the fullness of life and provide the platform for others to do so as well.
What I realized is that while Kobe helped inspire me as an athlete when I was kid, the way that he loved his daughters inspired me as an adult to share the powerful connection between strength and vulnerability in 5 key principles.
1. Men, we can say that we love our friends (male, female and non-binary).
(Click here to explore how men can re-learn new rituals and practices to normalize showing love).
2. We can hug our friends and family members (yes, even those who identify as men) chest to chest.
3. We can cry in private and public.
(Click here to view author of Cry Like a Man, Jason Wilson's interview).
4. We can go to therapy.
5. We can regulate our breathing through practicing mindfulness meditation.
(Click here to view Kobe Bryant's tips on how to start your day off on a strong note).
(Click here to view Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant's words about their secret to winning).
Most importantly, when we practice the 5 key principles (in no particular order) we give ourselves access to being on a healthy path to healing and balance so that all of those connected to us can experience our unrestricted and authentic selves.
We are more than the expectations and perceptions of others and yet we are also smaller than what our egos sometimes suggest.
We don’t have to live out the stereotypical ideas of what it means to be strong. The goal should never be about pretending to have a hard exterior rooted in perfection. Instead it should be about progression, accepting each moment as it comes, free from judgment. When we take a step into vulnerability we tap into another level of strength.
Until next time Vulnerability Village...
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